The events, conversations and tears from the past couple of weeks have made me really look at myself and my life. Really take a good hard look and be honest about what all this shit really is. Analyzing what I’m doing, how I’m doing it, what I want and don’t want, what needs to change…all of this I’ve been doing for some time now. I just haven’t wanted to admit it to myself.

I don’t know if what I see is real or just my perception of things. I don’t know if others view life, or me the same way I do. I don’t think they do, I think my views are from wonderfully screwed up years living the life I was given.

I want to get out of this way of thinking, this way of living, but fear keeps me firmly grounded where I stand. The thought alone of doing something ‘different’ makes my chest tighten and hard to breathe. Even now with typing this out I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

My last break down and acknowledgement of what I think of myself came last night while I was talking to a friend. I told her things about myself that I have not admitted to others, ever. She is a wonderful person who reached out to me because I understand what she is going through. During our conversation she told me that I was a caring and loving person with such a big heart and that I deserved so much from life. I finally had the courage to tell her that even though I appreciated her words, I can’t believe them. It’s not that I don’t want to, cause I do; I just can’t.

For as far back into my childhood as I can remember I’ve been told that I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t pretty enough. You hear that enough times and no matter how hard you try to be all those things, doesn’t even matter if you achieve them. It’s still not enough in your own eyes.

I don’t feel worthy of true happiness. I don’t feel worthy of love. Not even the love from my children.

I’ve perfected “I’m fine.” so long as you can’t see into my eyes when I say it. My eyes cannot lie. That statement has become my lifeline, it’s what keeps me afloat when I fell like I should be drowning.

I’ve been alone for 6 years now and anyone who asks will be told that it’s because of where I live, I don’t get out much being a single mom…yada yada yada. The truth is I’m alone by choice. I’m alone because in my eyes no man should have to be put to the test of wanting to be with me every day. I don’t feel I deserve to be with someone, there for why would anyone want to be with me.

After my divorce (my second one mind you) I spent years building up walls around me so that I didn’t feel. I know I can hurt myself far faster than anyone else can. I could let people in as friends, nothing more. In the span of about a year I let people tear down that wall, I allowed myself to feel again, to hope.

Hope has always been my biggest downfall. I’ve always had hope that I was wrong about myself and life, hope that things could change. Hope that one good dose of something would change me forever. I hate hope.

I want to hate those two people for allowing me to feel again, because I hurt. I hurt deep, I hurt to my very core. I just can’t.

Maybe some kind of change is going on within me.

I still have the hope, for as much as I hate it, I still hold onto it.

All of this pain has to be for something, right?

I’m no ones fantasy and I’m okay with that. I don’t really want to be. I want to be that person who you never thought you’d see yourself with.  That friend you know you can always trust and count on. I wanna be that girl, that every time you think of me you smile because I’ve done something for you that made you smile.

I want you to know you are loved. I don’t mean that in the sense that I’m in love with you, though I’m not saying I’m not. I just mean you know it, you can feel it…you know that I see you for who you are, and who you want to be and I love what I see. All of you. Not the physical beauty or the brains, or even the broken heart you carry around; but all of it, everything that makes you who you are.

I’m not asking for you to love me. Just let me be there for you, to help you to smile when I can, to worry and cry for you when you need me to, to make you laugh at all the wrong times.

Let me love you.

I just see history repeating itself with my children and that breaks my heart. Somehow I managed to have two boys, with two different fathers, and both end up fatherless at 5 years of age.  My head tells me that with my little one there was no way around it, he’s father died. But my heart still wants to know why both of my children have the same fate.

I feel like I’ve failed them as a mother and nothing I can say or do can change that feeling right now.

Today was the first time I’ve heard this song. I’m not a big Jonas Brothers fan, though I had heard that Nick was going to do a song on his own some time ago.

I have to say that the kid did a damn good and I do love it’s meaning.

Who wouldn’t love the lyrics of the song and the video? JoBro aside. Who doesn’t want to be loved and needed for who they are?

I know I do.

It just makes you wonder how many people are out there looking for the one person who will accept and love them for who they truly are. I’m sure it’s possible, and one day it will happen for all of us. The only question is how long do you have to wait?

I know my rhymes a little off and my words may be a bit jumbled, it’s just never been this hard to express my gratitude & caring for someone. You bring a smile to my face every day and for that I am truly blessed to know you.

I really do hope that you know you are a GIFT.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
“Life is but an empty dream!”
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
“Dust thou art, to dust returnest,”
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act to each to-morrow
Finds us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,–act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing
Learn to labor and to wait.

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I’m that kind of person…the one that wears their heart on their sleeve, the only difference is that I do tend to hide away when I do. So much so that those I truly care about don’t know it.

I had someone tell me today that I was full of courage, that I needed to show my inner light more.  I try to, I really do. I just feel like I’m everything and nothing all at once.

What I wanted to say to the person that was giving a little of himself to me to help me smile was not to make promises you may not be able to keep.  Promises and good intentions heard over a lifetime, that never come true, can break the strongest person down to nothing.  You begin to think the worst, look for the bad, waiting for someone to prove you wrong.  Wanting for someone, anyone to come along and fulfill all those promises that deep down you have been waiting for.

I know that none of this will ever happen if I stay curled up just waiting. I have to give to get, I have to put myself out there for everyone to see.  I am doing that, just a little at a time.  For all the courage I have within me I’m also scared of giving to much and getting nothing in return. I know that fear and risk are a part of life and that you have to risk if you want to gain anything in life.

It’s just that I’ve already risked so much in my life and feel like most of it was for nothing….

but I have to try right?

I have to just say…

“I like you.”

“I want to get to know you, will you let me do that?”

“I’m here if you ever need to talk.”

“I miss our friendship. Why don’t we talk anymore?”

Now I just need to step off the edge, knowing that even if I fall, I tried and I  can always get back up and try again.

]]> http://needingareasontobe.wordpress.com/2010/04/05/inner-light/feed/ 3 momentsthatwhisper